79. Marriage

 The audio recording is available at https://youtu.be/-UaPO6XPjEk.

What stands closest to and precedes marriage is love and friendship. Love is the idealized and imagined passion, desire, or sought-after connection with another person like me, in which both parties maintain their identity. In contrast, in friendship, the two become one, as the two dissolve into mutual trust. Love is fleeting, while friendship is enduring. Friendship stems from sincerity and trust in the free relationship between "I" and "you," and it is the prerequisite for the formation of a new, lasting relationship, where there is no hierarchy, ranking, or distinction. If we approach love, friendship, and marriage from the perspective of responsibility, we can say that there is little responsibility in love, more in friendship, and the most is in marriage. The relationship between a man and a woman is different in friendship and love. A woman is more likely to fall in love, while a man is more likely to form a friendship. A woman forgets her friends but never her lovers. A man forgets his lovers but never his friends. 

In our confused era, we witness many distortions in human relationships. We see the decay of the classic form of friendship because what is most commonly referred to as friendship is actually material interest. Furthermore, as a result of the power-driven individualization, there are more and more people who are unfit for love, friendship, and marriage, as well as those who suffer from a constant hunger for love, friendship, and marriage. We also find those who suffer the most from manipulation, such as those who can even imagine love and marriage between same-sex individuals. True marriage is when the superficiality of love fades between a man and a woman, and trust-based friendship sets in, deepening on  mutual trust for shared responsibilities, sacrifice, taking on the role of the link in the chain, where "what is yours is mine, and what is mine is yours," whether having material or spiritual content. 

Where this does not exist, marriage is superficial and unstable. The fundamental question, then, is how coordinated is the coming together, is it a shared, spiritual, or material connection, or perhaps both? What is the purpose of marriage? What are we committing our shared life to e.g. individual interest, profit, spiritual growth, long-term or short-term, servitude, sacrifice, duty, or merely physical desire? And most importantly, does marriage involve the One? Do we ask ourselves whether, in our marriage, from now on, he will watch over me, and I will watch over him, even if he does not watch over me? Many other questions arise, such as whether there is an "A" and "B" version in our marriage? Is it possible and worthwhile to live without marriage? Does my marriage contribute to the survival of the nation to which I belong? And the list can be continued. 

The answers to these questions depend on how much we prioritize our individual self-versus our universal self. If our individual self dominates, we either cling to things or are unaware of what we are doing. Attachment occurs when we bind ourselves to someone we don’t love or don’t need, but we hold on to them anyway. Attachment is not love. If, for example, we are attached to our wife or husband, our marriage will fall apart because it is not love that holds it together but a sense of duty, perhaps interest — something we have been mistakenly taught. 

Attachment is actually distancing, because it lacks the necessary spiritual connection, the openness to one another, sincerity, selflessness, and the willingness to take responsibilities, which are the foundation of marriage. Attachment conceals, while love reveals, because in love, a person must express what is in their soul. One must speak the truth, the whole truth, the universal truth, the real truth. We must give ourselves unconditionally. The hiding person is the individualistic Adam, who, in biblical terms, covers himself with a fig leaf. The hiding Adam is no longer the created universal human being, but rather the compromising, individualistic, bad decision-making type. 

When we take our marriage vows, kneeling on the prayer stool, do we remember that, from that moment, we are committing to participate together in the creation of our shared world, in the returning to the One, in taking on additional burdens, and in setting things right? That we will speak into the processes of the world differently than we did before because our time-travel journey is now shared, and in this shared responsibility, we fulfil our role as links in the chain, passing on our material and spiritual capital to our children. The vow, therefore, is a commitment, a responsibility, and a willingness to sacrifice. 

That is why we must be honest. Let us not forget that, there and then, kneeling on the prayer stool, or standing before the sacrificial altar, we stand in the presence of the One and make a lifelong commitment. What kind of vow is this? Is it the kind we typically make before people, or one which we can make to the One? How do we think about the vow on which we stake our lives? Do we remember that only sincere requests reach the One? What does it mean for a person to be sincere, normal, and true? Does it mean that we think, speak, and act sincerely, that we act as we speak, and speak as we act?